


Still

by hongbab



Category: VIXX
Genre: Heavy Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-16
Updated: 2017-02-16
Packaged: 2018-09-24 22:58:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9790904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hongbab/pseuds/hongbab
Summary: There was longing, warmth, something akin to happiness in there, all of them in his head and none of them in his heart where they should have been, where Hakyeon had said they would be if he ever loved someone.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings: undetermined mental illness, self-harm, blood

It was freezing cold and everything was pitch-black. Taekwoon felt his spine stiffen with an upcoming shudder as he exhaled, staring ahead of him, the mattress hard and uncomfortable under his bottom.

He had previously turned off all the lamps inside and lowered the temperature of the gas boiler so he could sleep (he always felt cold during the night, but it didn’t do to have the gas boiler on a high degree, it would simply cost too much), but halfway through going to bed, he forgot what he had to do in order to do so.

He sat on the edge of the bed in his jeans and cardigan, slippers on his feet, watching the darkness around him, enveloping him without any disturbance from a street lamp or the headlight of cars outside of the building—he made sure the blinds covered every patch of the windows. He had started to think when he had first sat down, think about his day or maybe his week, or maybe about that poster he had seen on the wall of a house across the street, but he forgot about it all and he wasn’t sure anymore what he had really wanted to think about in the first place.

His eyes hurt a little as he stared, breathing becoming a little difficult as he started paying attention to it, like when you suddenly become aware of your way of walking and can’t place one foot in front of the other for a few overly self-conscious moments without noticing something weird about it.

He closed his eyes.

When he opened them again, the bedroom was dimly lit by the bedside lamp in the corner, painting the furniture a sickly orange shade that Taekwoon didn’t like. Right. He had left that one on.

His right hand twitched, cramping around something, and when he looked down, he saw bony fingers in his palm, resting there like some sort of support, even if Taekwoon didn’t feel like he needed it. He glanced up and saw Jaehwan _smile_ kindly at him, his beautiful eyes boring into Taekwoon and replacing the cold with warmth that spread from the very centre of Taekwoon's chest into his entire body.

He smiled back—a small upward movement of the corners of his mouth—, tightening his grip around Jaehwan's delicate fingers as he lay his head on Jaehwan's shoulder, pressing as close to him as he could.


	2. I

Taekwoon jerked out of sleep at the sound of loud, incessant knocking.

"Taekwoonie!" he heard the screech and his stomach cramped at the sharp noise. "Open it, please! It's me, Hakyeon! I have great news!"

Taekwoon stared at the ceiling for a moment, and then sat up, climbing off the bed carefully not to jostle Jaehwan who was still sleeping like a log, if he was _frowning_ a little.

He shuffled out into the hallway in his old slippers full of holes, the soles trying to fall off but stubbornly staying, kept in place by only the small amount of rapid glue Taekwoon had tried to fix them with.

When he opened the door, Hakyeon barrelled in like a bowling ball, stopping in the middle of the dark living room to pull the blinds apart. Taekwoon squinted at the sunlight infiltrating through the grimy windowpanes, nervously picking at the inside of his right wrist with his left thumb and index finger, twisting and pulling the skin to calm himself.

Hakyeon turned to beam at Taekwoon, his face glowing with an immense happiness.

"You're not going to believe it!" Hakyeon exclaimed and Taekwoon knit his brows. "Oh, God, I wish I could hug you right now!"

He took half a step forward, but his smile faltered when he saw Taekwoon back away instinctively.

"Please, refrain from that," Taekwoon muttered.

"Ah, yes," Hakyeon nodded, shaking his head a little and regaining his happiness. "Okay, so. Wonshik, our Wonshik, Kim Wonshik, Kim Wonshik with the stupid silver-dyed hair—”

"I get it," Taekwoon said. "Wonshik."

"Yes, Wonshik!" Hakyeon loudly clapped his hands and the sound felt like nails scratching the surface of Taekwoon's brain. "Wonshik is getting married!"

Hakyeon pressed his hands on his mouth, eyes glistening as if he was about to cry. Taekwoon didn't want to see him cry, so he said, "I've known he'd get married. He and Eunhye... they've been engaged for a long time. Seven or… eight months."

Hakyeon furrowed his brow and lowered his hands. “It’s been more than two years, Taekwoon…”

Taekwoon ignored that and walked into the kitchen instead, filling the kettle with water. He sensed Hakyeon following him, and a few moments later, a chair by the table creaked as he sat down.

“They’re getting married in two weeks!” Hakyeon announced, laughing joyfully. “Wonshik wanted me to deliver the invitation to you, because he didn’t have the time and of course I said yes, because I haven’t seen you in ages and—”

“Hakyeon, can you please be quieter?” Taekwoon asked, placing the kettle on the stove. “You’re going to wake him.”

“Yeah, sure, sorry, I was just— wait. Him?” Hakyeon gasped and pushed the chair back loudly enough that Taekwoon was fairly certain it woke Jaehwan. In the next second, Hakyeon's face broke into his personal space, and Taekwoon stepped back, pinching the inner side of his wrist. “You have somebody over?” Hakyeon whispered. “Oh, my God, has he spent the night here?!”

Taekwoon blinked and averted his eyes, pulling at his own skin, giving Hakyeon a short nod.

Hakyeon let out a shrill squeal, forcing Taekwoon to press his palms on his ears momentarily before he saw Hakyeon mouthing the word ‘sorry’.

“Can I see him?” he asked excitedly. “Please, please, please, let me see him!”

“Alright,” Taekwoon sighed. “You’ve probably woken him up by now, anyway. But, uhm. Please, don't scare him."

Hakyeon looked at him with a tinge of hurt in his eyes. "I'm not scary," he said.

"Right," Taekwoon shot back sarcastically, and turned on his heel to walk back into the bedroom.

Jaehwan was still sleeping, lying on his side in the bed, covered in the blankets so only his head was out of them. He was turning his back to Taekwoon, so Taekwoon went there as quietly as possible, crouching down by the bed and reaching out to caress Jaehwan's soft light brown hair.

"Jaehwan-ah," he said. "Wake up, I'd like to introduce you to someone."

Jaehwan _whined_ quietly, but then he _turned_ to Taekwoon, looking sleepier than ever. Taekwoon smiled at him lovingly, pulling away the blankets and reaching under his back with an arm and under the backs of his knees with another, standing up so he could carry Jaehwan into the kitchen. Jaehwan felt light in his hold like half of him was still in dreamland, and Taekwoon let him _rest his head on his chest_ , feeling the butterflies squirm around in his stomach as he stepped into the kitchen.

Hakyeon had started preparing their coffee in the meantime and now he was standing by the counter, spooning instant coffee into three mugs, stopping abruptly when he heard Taekwoon pull out a chair and settling Jaehwan down on it.

Hakyeon spun around with a grin on his face, eyes searching for Jaehwan, and when he found him, his grin disappeared immediately.

"Taekwoon..." he said tentatively.

"Jaehwan, this is Hakyeon," Taekwoon said, placing a hand on Jaehwan's shoulder, "my friend. And Hakyeon, this is Jaehwan."

Hakyeon seemed to have been reluctant to take his eyes off Jaehwan, but then he glanced up at Taekwoon, his bronze skin going weirdly pale.

"Is something wrong?" Taekwoon asked, his hold strengthening on Jaehwan's shoulder, his fingers tightening on hard bones.

"Taekwoon," Hakyeon repeated, and his eyes were shining in a strange way.

"I'm sorry, he's a bit timid around people he doesn't know," Taekwoon explained, and, smiling at Jaehwan, went to the counter to pour a generous amount of sugar into one of the mugs of coffee. He then turned back to the table, sitting down and putting the sweet coffee in front of Jaehwan who _smiled_ at him gratefully. "He likes sweet stuff," he said, mostly to himself, but Hakyeon stared at Jaehwan again, seemingly rooted to the spot. "About the wedding..."

Hakyeon pulled out a chair and plopped down on it, blinking up at Taekwoon

"The wedding, yes," he said in a high-pitched voice. "Wonshik... he wanted to give you the invitation, but... he's busy, so he had me deliver it." Taekwoon wasn’t sure, but it felt like Hakyeon had mentioned that before. He didn’t say anything.

Hakyeon took out a lavender coloured card, handing it over to Taekwoon who took and opened it.

"Taekwoon," Hakyeon said again, and Taekwoon looked up from the invitation. "Jaehwan— he's—"

"We still need to talk about whether he wants to come," Taekwoon replied to Hakyeon's unuttered question. Jaehwan shyly _lowered his head_.

"I see," Hakyeon squeaked. "I, uh, I'll get going then. I promised Wonshik I'd take his tux from the store."

"Do you, maybe, want to come... come over on Saturday?" Taekwoon asked, nervousness making him tremble, and he took the skin of his wrist between his fingers to pick at it. "You and... and the others? Maybe if you got to know Jaehwan better, he... wouldn't feel uncomfortable going to the wedding."

He heard Jaehwan _let out a small laugh_ and took his hand into his lap, holding it tenderly.

"I will talk to the others... about this," Hakyeon said, and stood up. "I'll be going then. Taekwoon-ah," his face looked sad, but Taekwoon didn't want to know why. "Please, take care."

Taekwoon raised his eyebrows, and Hakyeon turned around, leaving the two of them behind without any further comments.


	3. Interlude

Sometimes, when it was late into the night and the buzzing of the gas boiler had already died down after Taekwoon had turned it off, he heard small noises that only registered in the back of his mind like a thought that couldn't come to the surface—intangible, bodiless, distorted, arrhythmic sounds he couldn't have connected to anything even if he tried.

Ever since Jaehwan was with him though, his sleepless nights became more peaceful with the sounds getting suppressed by half-formed, grotesque fragments of emotions he didn't know how to handle. There was longing, warmth, something akin to happiness in there, all of them in his head and none of them in his heart where they should have been, where Hakyeon had said they would be if he ever loved someone. But having them at all was something, and he would wait for them to get sorted out by themselves so he wouldn't have to tear at his own wrist out of discomfort felt at being left alone to deal with such things.

He let go of his wrist, of the chafed and swollen, burning skin there to hold Jaehwan's hand in the bed, seeing nothing in the darkness. Jaehwan's hand was cold but comforting and the crook of his neck even more so when Taekwoon nuzzled it.

"I can sometimes feel the blood move inside my veins," he said softly against Jaehwan's skin. He could indeed feel it right now, the blood circulating inside his body, going down and coming back up, the way it coursed through all of him while his heart pumped it restlessly, the entire process feeling too vivid and making him anxious.

Jaehwan _laced their fingers_ , but didn't say anything, and Taekwoon, though he couldn't see it, was absolutely certain _he was smiling_.

The sounds got even more muffled when he buried his face deeper into Jaehwan's neck, his jaw pressing against Jaehwan's bony shoulder. He fell asleep in a minute.


	4. II

He was wearing a sweater with sleeves long enough to cover his fingers, so that Hakyeon, Wonshik, and Hongbin couldn't see him abusing his wrist as they sat in the living room, Jaehwan sitting next to him on the sofa, and Hakyeon and Wonshik sitting in the armchairs, Hongbin occupying a chair from the kitchen next to them.

The silence was deep enough to make Taekwoon's head ache with a pressure starting at the nape of his neck and throbbing there as they stared at each other with all the others except Hakyeon who cast his eyes down and was examining the floor.

Wonshik cleared his throat.

"Hyung," he said, barely audible, "how do you— where did you two... meet?"

Hongbin let out an indecipherable noise and Hakyeon looked at him from the corner of his eye. Taekwoon chose to ignore it.

"I saw him in the newspaper," Taekwoon said, picking at his skin faster. "He's a singer."

"Singer," Hongbin said in a weird tone. "You're saying it's a— he's a singer?"

"He is," Taekwoon nodded. "And a very good one at that, but he still hasn't been discovered."

"Oh, I wonder why!" Hongbin exclaimed.

"Hongbin," Hakyeon said in warning, though Taekwoon didn't know what he should be warned about.

"He doesn't like singing in front of a large audience," Taekwoon replied. "But we've been talking about the possibility that he could maybe sing at Wonshik and Eunhye's wedding, because there won't be too many people and... the guests might enjoy it."

Wonshik sucked in a sharp breath and Hongbin snorted, saying, "You do realize he can't even say a fucking word, right?!"

"Hongbin!" Hakyeon shouted, and Taekwoon felt his nails cut into his wrist deep, blood spilling out and smearing on his skin as he kept pinching it. Hakyeon stood up from the armchair. "Into the kitchen, Hongbin! Now!"

He grabbed Hongbin's arm and dragged him into the kitchen, slamming the door behind the two of them just after Hongbin shook his hand off.

"What's wrong with you?!" Hakyeon's muffled voice came, and Taekwoon could tell he was trying to be quiet but couldn't quite manage.

"What's wrong with me?!" Hongbin hissed. "He's sitting there with a fucking doll, talking about it like it's a person and neither of you are doing anything about it! He's gone fucking nuts!"

"Calm the fuck down," Hakyeon shot back. "I've been thinking about a solution for a week, but I can't just take him to a psychotherapist—"

"Why not?!"

Taekwoon didn't understand what they were talking about. He heard their voices and all the words they uttered, but they simply didn't make sense to him, they didn't have meanings. He looked at Wonshik for help, and Wonshik tore his gaze away from Jaehwan, blushing.

"So, uh," he said. "Are you planning to come to the wedding?"

"Yes," Taekwoon replied.

"Good, good," Wonshik nodded.

"I'm not doing this," Hongbin said inside the kitchen, and a moment later, the door flung open, Hongbin bursting through it and not even sparing Taekwoon, Wonshik, and Jaehwan a look as he left the house.

Hakyeon stepped out of the kitchen looking uncomfortable.

"Is he okay?" Taekwoon asked, frowning.

"He's... just..." Hakyeon looked at Taekwoon and then at Jaehwan and then back at Taekwoon. "He's still a little sad about the breakup with Wooyoung."

Taekwoon nodded, thought he would later have to tell Jaehwan about Hongbin and Wooyoung's relationship to make him understand what happened.

“Would you guys like some coffee?” Taekwoon asked, mostly to loosen up the awkward atmosphere.

Hakyeon and Wonshik shared a look, and then Hakyeon gave him a watery smile, saying, “Yes. Yes, we’d like some, Taekwoonie.”

Taekwoon nodded and stood up, smiling at Jaehwan to encourage him even if he _looked beyond worried_ that he wouldn’t be able to have a conversation with Taekwoon's friends. But Taekwoon trusted him; he knew Jaehwan was charming enough to enchant Hakyeon and Wonshik with his loveliness, if he had made Taekwoon fall for him so hard the moment they had seen each other for the first time.

He stood by the counter, finally freeing his hands from his sweater. The inside of his right wrist was an angry red, scratches framing the cut he had made with his nails, blood like watercolour smeared across the small wound, creeping into the cracks of his swollen skin. The blood had tinted the faded black material of his knit sweater dark in some spots. Taekwoon touched his cold fingers to the flaming skin, pain like lightning rushing through his entire body, but he didn’t even flinch.

“Woonie,” someone called.

Taekwoon looked to his side. Hakyeon frowned, blinking down at Taekwoon's hand and gasping. When he looked up again, his eyes were full of tears, one of them running down his cheek. Hakyeon was a rather sensitive creature.

“Taekwoonie,” he whispered, and reached out for Taekwoon's hands, fingers curving around Taekwoon's for a moment before Taekwoon snatched his hands away, hissing from the sensation despite wanting to. He pulled the sleeves of his sweater over his hands again. Hakyeon sniffled, wiping his face into the shoulder of his shirt. When he next spoke, his voice was nasal. “What about the coffee?”

“Coffee?” Taekwoon asked, perplexed.

“You left the living room saying you’d make us coffee,” Hakyeon replied, sniffling again.

Taekwoon didn’t remember. He looked at the kettle on the stove, but suddenly forgot what he should do with it.

“It’s okay,” Hakyeon said, voice trembling. “Wonshik and I— we both need to go, anyway.” He took a step forward as if he wanted to hug Taekwoon, and Taekwoon felt his body twitch at it, a strange kind of pounding pain starting behind his temples. It felt like he’d had that sort of headache before, but he couldn’t pinpoint the time in his life he had. Hakyeon's eyes seemed to droop. “Call me if you need… anything,” he sighed. “Even if it’s just company.”

“I have Jaehwan,” Taekwoon said.

Hakyeon's eyes filled with tears again, but Taekwoon didn’t want to know his reasons for feeling like crying. They were always complicated and difficult to comprehend, requiring Taekwoon to try and feel sympathy when he rather wanted to stay clean of the emotions Hakyeon felt.

“Yes,” Hakyeon breathed. “Yes, you have him.”

The corners of Hakyeon's lips moved upwards and he left the kitchen with Taekwoon following him into the living room.

“We’ll see you at the wedding, then,” Wonshik said, stealing a glance at Jaehwan still sitting on the couch.

Taekwoon nodded and opened the door for them, Wonshik wrapping an arm around Hakyeon's shoulders and ushering him outside.

Taekwoon shut the door and shuffled back into the living room in his old slippers, crouching down in front of Jaehwan, resting his right hand on Jaehwan's knee. He reached up to place his left palm on the back of Jaehwan's neck, pulling him down so he could press their foreheads together. His thumb brushed against the small hairs on Jaehwan's neck as he closed his eyes. The house was completely silent, but Taekwoon heard thumping, rhythmical and steady, coming from his chest. He felt panic rise inside him at it, so he held Jaehwan's knee tighter, his eyeballs prickling under his eyelids. He was scared of it all.

“Thank you for being here,” he said, maybe; he tried to say it out loud but couldn’t hear his own voice, like he was only imagining himself speak. His thumb slid over Jaehwan's full lower lip and stroked it.

He pressed his lips on Jaehwan's, chin shaking as he kissed him gently, and he felt Jaehwan _smile_ against his mouth.

 _I love you_ , he heard Jaehwan _say_ and he smiled, too, kissing Jaehwan deeper.

His wrist hurt more than ever, the fire burning under the cut feeling like it could destroy them both. Jaehwan was cold to the touch, like rigid plastic left outside in winter and Taekwoon had never felt the two of them be so similar.

He hugged Jaehwan as close to himself as he could, felt the thumping inside his chest grow more intense at it.

And Jaehwan was still as always.

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: If you haven’t seen the film Lars and the Real Girl, I recommend you watch it (or read the [synopsis](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0805564/)) **after** reading this story as it might spoil the fic. However, watching the film (or reading the synopsis) is highly recommended afterwards, not only because the film is quite interesting, but also because it helps the understanding of the plot.
> 
> Whatever you can read above is not meant to depict the personality/behaviour of VIXX’s Leo but the main character is based on the fictional character Jung Taekwoon, born in my mind (tl;dr please, don’t mistake it for my concept of the real Leo’s personality).
> 
>  
> 
> feel free to talk to me about any of my stories or just vixx in general on [tumblr](http://hongbab.tumblr.com/), [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/hongbab) or [aff](http://www.asianfanfics.com/profile/view/1061753) ♡ please support me on [ko-fi.com](https://ko-fi.com/hongbab) if you can ♡


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